Slogan #56
Don't wallow in self-pity.
When things fall apart, when we get sick or when our expectations aren’t met, it’s easy to be stuck in the litany of “why me?” Feeling sorry for ourselves distracts us from the jealousy, entitlement, anger, or fear that lurks beneath the surface. Wallowing in self-pity is a way to numb, isolate, and collapse into that story of a tormented self in which the world revolves around only you. What's the difference between self-pity and self-compassion? The mantra when practicing self-compassion is “just like me.”
Slogan 56 is about self-regulation and managing disruptive emotions and impulses, behaviors, and thoughts in the pursuit of long-term goals; that is, finding a balance between the pity party that is so tempting and the thoughts and actions that align with our common humanity. We’ll use RAINN this week as a method for applying mindfulness to overwhelm. Recognize. Allow. Investigate. Nurture. Non-identification. Acknowledge, lean in, and check out the passing states of your mind. Consider these five steps as a way to change the way you deal with self-pity and disappointment. These basics will interrupt the escalating of emotional reactivity and teach you how to open when you want to close down and how to give when you want to hold back.
Recognize the emotions of disappointment or sadness for self, no matter how difficult, in order to see things as they are, undistorted by expectation, fear, or need. There is freedom and power in letting go of denial and "inwardly bowing" to the emotion that is front and centre. Let go of the narrative and open up to physical expression of these emotions in your body—their energy, and texture. This is the process by which we begin to increase our tolerance for intensity or discomfort without the storyline, that is, without deception or censor. Allow whatever painful or troubling emotion that arises as a vehicle for mindfulness, not as a way to passively withdraw, resist, or suppress. You might try phrases like: “This is me feeling sorry for myself. Disappointment feels like this.”
Now investigate. This is the everyday, pervasive type of suffering and simply an indication that something needs attention. It’s not a mistake, it’s not a problem, it’s not your fault so turn towards it with gentle and patient curiosity. Reflect, journal, discuss, and meditate. Empty your cup, open up a new way of seeing the world by deconstructing these primary emotions into their composite parts; for example, you may find shame, fear, envy, hurt, anxiety lurking beneath the disappointment that you’re feeling. Nurture yourself with kindness and self-compassion; hold these feelings with tenderness and mercy just like you would hold a hurt or upset child. Emotions are temporary states and do not define you. Allow RAINN to be a catalyst for acting from a place of love. Embrace our shared humanity.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross